The Sherlock Holmes hotel

415 Collins St Melbourne

We’re back. After literally no reviews in 2020 – I mean, what were we going to review, tracksuit pants? – we’ve finally got our collective shit in a row. Sidebottom suggests the Sherlock Holmes Hotel in the CBD. Quinlan is hesitant as it sounds like a wacky themed bar or some kind of place that hosts murder mystery nights with over-enthusiastic staff, but we reluctantly agree to meet.

So on the day Quinlan turns up to the Charles Dickens Tavern down the road by mistake – literally proving he can’t separate fact from fiction. So he scoots up Collins St and head down the old staircase and boom, We’re in old London Town minus the Covid death toll and inane clapping. Geezers all over. Pints everywhere. Our jaw was still on the floor when co-owner of 14 years Mel (she/her) wanders over, slaps a menu in our hands and asks, ‘Wanna beer?’.

We begin Googling the Man with a Van. We’re moving in asap.

General pubbery

There’s a big difference between British Pubs in Melbourne and British Pubs in Britain. Thankfully this feels way more like Britain. It has so much soul it feels like a century or more old. Gary, the other half of the ownership team, told is it was built in the ‘80s or so’. We assumed 1880s but he reassured us it was the 1980s. Clearly all the builders with any taste or style in Melbourne in the 1980s were here building this pub because none of them were in fucking East Doncaster that’s for sure. So this pub it basically a baby that looks like Lizzie Birdsworth. Another thing you notice straight away that’s reminiscent of British pubs – it’s cosy and fits like a custom Ugg boot. By that we mean tightly packed with punters but just enough room for it not to feel too packed. That’s an art. Many pubs have too much space or feel slightly claustrophobic. This one’s just right. Not a square inch is wasted.

If you’re just glancing around you forget the pub’s named after a fictional detective, but on closer look this place is a complete shrine to the man and his work. Artwork all over the place, painted signs and so forth. It all adds to the ambience of the place and all it really does is give a theme to all the décor. If the staff all dressed up in tweed coats and were sucking pipes I would have walked out. But they were not only normal, but extraordinarily friendly. Like they knew you. After chatting to Mel for a while we learned there are a shit ton of regulars. No surprise.

10 pots out of 10

The food

The menu itself gets a little theme-restauranty with categories divided up into The First Clue, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Salad Fare, Mrs Hudson’s Pantry, Dr Watson’s Favourites etc. I kind of hoped I’d see ‘Sherlock’s Satchel of Naughty Powders’ paying homage to his famed drug use. But alas no. I’d still be there if there was. It’s a huge menu with obviously a British touch to much of it, Lambs Fry & Bacon, Curry of the Day, Sherlock Pork Ribs, Roast with Yorkshire Pud. Love a bit of pud. There’s a choice of 5 parmas including Mycroft’s Parma with spuds and mushy peas.

We ordered the Corned Beef which is mandatory when on any menu. And Jesus wept it was good. A big stack completely coated in a subtle yet gorgeous creamy seeded mustard sauce. More meat than mash and a bit of cabbage. Deeply, deeply satisfying.

We also ordered the steak sandwich. More steak than sandwich, bacon hanging out all over the place, short, fat super crunchy chips. An agricultural dish by any definition and one of the most generous pub dishes we’ve ever seen. Sidebottom ate it before we could take a photo. So just picture the biggest steak sandwich you’ve ever seen and add half a cow.

All good? No shit Sherlock.

10 pots out of 10

The drinks

A ton of beer taps. Your standard Aussie beers, which there any many these days in any pub, as well as a ton of UK and Irish favourites. Some we’ve heard of, some not. I’m sure any Brits who pop in would feel right at home though. We got into the Hobgoblin Ruby Red Ale and a Beatnik XPA which was gutsy without being too flowery. Can’t stand too flowery.

The wine list was a nice one too. Quite a long list and most are tried and true names. We have the Tim McNeill riesling with the meal – excellent drop.

8 pots out of 10

Comfort stations

A fairly standard affair here. Quite small with a surprisingly pleasant scent that said to us this place has been regularly cleaned since the start. After washing our hands, which I must say dear reader, like you, we’re a total fucking hospital-grade grandmaster at these days, we noticed the most shocking thing of all – no JD Macdonald dryer. Not only that but a space on the wall with rivets that was clearly the space where a JD once was. Had it been stolen? What sort of halfwit would steal a JD?

You know who we need to call here? Sherlock Fucking Holmes.

7 pots out of 10

Wankfactor

The potential for wanky here is huge. We were half expecting some kind of Witches in Britches theatre restaurant type of nonsense but the service, food and atmosphere were just perfect. So no wankfactor. None. Well played Gaz and Mel.

9 pots out of 10

Conclusion

Warm, welcoming and generous. Kind of like the boozy British grandma we all wish we had. Us, like everyone else who visits, will return.

Take a closer look at thesherlockholmes.com.au

9 pots out of 10