Port Campbell Hotel

40 Lord St, Port Campbell

Did we drive 234km to review a pub? Good Lord no. We haven’t even reviewed a Melbourne pub for 9 months. Quinlan and Chad were doing some work with a film crew down these parts. About 15 of us on a rainy winters night sought refuge, beers and a hearty feed at Port Campbell’s only hotel, unusually named the Port Campbell Hotel.

We learned it’s gone under a rebuild over the last 2.5 years under the expert eye of the Haig family – the third generation of Haigs to run the pub who returned from Melbourne to revive the family business from scratch. As any Melbourne fan will tell you rebuilds are hard. As any Carlton fan will tell you they don’t often work. But these guys pulled it off. They clearly give a shit, know their shit and their work has delivered a rather awesome pub experience.

FIRST IMPRESSION

A beautiful single storey weatherboard façade and verandah greets us. The kind of place you’d see in an American period drama where Betty Lou sips lemonade in a rocking chair while little Jimmy whittles sticks into arrows so he can secretly go murder squirrels. Very nice. Step inside and you’re surprised by the expanse. Big front bar that’s seen some shit (it’s been here since 1897). Plenty of character in the fit out and décor. You follow a bit of a maze left or right and one way or another you’re in the bistro. A Z-shaped art-deco situation with GIANT fireplaces you could pass out in.

It was winter so the beer garden appeared shut but it was big and colourful and looked like you could have a proper knees-up in there.

Bit of a James Brown style playlist over the PA at just the right volume. Good then.

9 POTS OUT OF 10

GENERAL PUBBERY

We love the front bar. Big with busy walls full of cool things pertaining to the pub and region. A big ol Coonara, pool table and mini TAB. Some oddities like hippy cloths tacked into the ceiling and a crucifix over the door leading to the patio forgiving smokers for the sins they are about to commit.

Quirky touches all over the place. The artwork here is a feature. A number of whimsical etchings/drawings/paintings of awkward nudes. Which frankly is what nudes are most of the time anyway, painted or not.

There are also a few 3D installations. An old piano with a fern with some scattered stuff on it.

What looks like an old ice box with an old phone on it. An old Singer sewing machine because why not?

There was one section right in the epicenter of the pub which basically looks like the epicenter of Cyclone Interiordesignclusterfuck with a green Chesterfield, three kinds of flooring, some delicate tilework and five kinds of artwork. We forgive them though because right next to it was one of those 4-bedroom fireplaces.

One magnificent touch was the teaspoon display. A proper shame the pair sitting under it spent their entire evening on their phones (He actually had 2 phones). They didn’t say a word to each other. I would have expected at least a ‘fuck me, how mint are those teaspoons!?’. But no. Not. A. Word.

Apparently they have budget accommodation too which rates well apart from a few picky twits on Google Reviews. There’s also a token box of horribly outdated toys for the kids.

We also noticed a high chair tucked away in a remote corner in case you want to plonk the little one there and ignore them for a while.

10 POTS OUT OF 10

THE FOOD

We were in cray country but alas none available tonight. The menu, however, is basically a who’s who of pub classics. As you’d expect there is a strong seafood bent.

We managed to review 3 meals properly but given the reactions of the crew to the food, (like someone threw a fat kid at a pile of starving bears), it all rated very high.

So first up, the tuna steak. And steak it was. About two inches thick and big. Creamy chunky spuds and a big salad. Proper meal. The tuna was a tad overcooked but tasty as tuna gets.

The parma was superb – curled up ham, excellent sugo and that chicken. That was one rubenesque hen. Good chips. Stunning seasoning. One random big bloke came up to the kitchen while we were there and yelled out ‘10/10 PARMY!’ I wanted to tell him it was called parma but then remembered how much people enjoy having their grammar corrected. Especially 120kg tradies.

Then there was the Beef Cheeks. Good fucking GOD. You seriously don’t need teeth. The most tender meat we’ve ever encountered. Rich, deep flavour. Stunning sauce and all the trimmings. You could not eat this meal and leave unsatisfied.

9 POTS OUT OF 10

THE DRINKS

This pub is located on one of Australia’s most adventurous coastlines. And adventurous they are with the booze as well. Due to the weather Quinlan wanted something smooth and dark and thankfully there was a Coffee Kolsch on tap. Perfect. Damn tasty too.

They have lots of beer specials. An impressive array all up. I honestly can’t remember the wine list. They have wine. OK…?

9 POTS OUT OF 10

COMFORT STATIONS

Fairly standard affair here. Basic. Clean. Little whiff of cleaning product. Assuring. We did notice a tiny little hole in the wall made by what looks like a tiny little Donald Trump fist. Maybe someone commented on his little dick?

We didn’t have our wits about us so didn’t clock a JD MacDonald in there. But I bet you there was one though. Probably smacked senseless by the giant shitty fists of fishermen and oil riggers but still plowing on. God bless those Aussie dryers.

7 POTS OUT OF 10

WANKFACTOR

This is Port Campbell. Wankers are shot on site.

CONCLUSION

What an awesome country pub. Generous. Interesting. And if we’ve said it once we’ve said it a thousand times, a sense of humour. It gets all the basics right then adds plenty of surprise and delight. You can’t not head down the far reaches of the Great Ocean Road and not visit this pub. The Twelve Apostles would have surely stopped here for a pint on their way home.

9 POTS OUT OF 10

For the full experience (and some way better photos) head to portcampbellhotel.com.au