226 Nicholson St Abbotsford
Pubs are like our children. We love them all equally. Haha, fuck that no we don’t. If you’ve got an all-you-can-eat buffet and a hundred pokies then you’re out of the will you fat, greedy welch.
What we really love is a pub with a big heart. One that’s kind and generous and funny. The more of all that you’ve got, the bigger favourite child you’ll be. And our new favourite child is the Retreat Hotel in Abbotsford.
Recently taken over by Pratty and Jess from southside’s finest, The Palace in South Melbourne, it appears they’ve weaved some of their own magic into what already was a very magical kingdom indeed.
FIRST IMPRESSION
A beautiful and quite unique façade dominates the corner it stands on. Then we walked inside and was totally gobsmacked by the most glorious front bar we’ve ever seen. It isn’t huge but it’s just wonderful. A stunning curved bartop. Leadlight everywhere. A brass bar held up by brass elephant heads. A sleazy vinyl record cover.
It seriously looked like something out of the The Sullivans. Then we see the poster – IT IS THE FUCKING BAR FROM THE SULLIVANS. If you’ve never heard of The Sullivans then YouTube it (Straya)
It wasn’t all olde worlde beauty though – there’s plenty of that sense of humour that we’ve been so into of late. More about that later.
A warm welcome by Toby the barman and all round good bloke and you couldn’t wipe the smiles from our faces.
10 POTS
GENERAL PUBBERY
Once we’d let this perfect pub vibe soak in we snooped around. It’s small pub but there’s so much to take in. First up was the X-Men pinny. In this classy old place it stands out like pregnant pole-vaulter. If that wasn’t funny enough, nearby was a Super Nintendo and 16-bit Sega Mega Drive mounted onto the muthafuckn wall. All plugged in, joysticks at the ready. The TV was mounted up in the corner. Awesome.
Two steps away in the pool table. So revered it gets it’s own carpet.
A few tables nearby with stools and chairs provide a middle point between the front bar and dining room where you can eat or just drink. Very nice. There’s a fan mounted above a door who’s purpose is fuck-knows-what which is also reinforced by an electrical cable that goes nowhere. Bizarrely fantastic.
Completing the whole 80s teenage bedroom vibe were some cabinets housing some sci-fi and Family Guy figurines.
Then we see the fireplace.
A double sided, circular, brick-bordered glory hole that warms patrons in both the dining room AND the middle place. Like all new homes now must have water tanks, all new pubs now must have one of these.
The dining room again is small but super cosy. A mantlepiece with a sturdy thoroughbred dominates the room and a little hole in the wall gives you a cheeky glimpse at some of the magic going on in the kitchen.
The final thing, probably the funniest thing of the lot, the kids corner. A few board games and a low-fi ‘electronic’ driving game all sitting proudly under a signed Anthrax poster in a gold gilded frame. Kids corner AND music appreciation society in one. Brilliant.
Olde worlde charm meets great fun. Very dog friendly too.
What more can you ask for?
11 POTS
THE FOOD
We had a cracking meal at the owners other pub, The Palace in Sth Melbourne, so expectations were high here. We understand some of the kitchen staff have recently transitioned over to here, but whoever’s running the show didn’t let us down.
The menu is one of those ‘I’d eat everything on here’ kind of affairs. Perhaps not quite as diverse or large as The Palace but it’s got everything you want and then some. Care has been taken to ensure there’s a great range of meats, the salads have had thought put in, there’s pizzas and the specials of the day all looked awesome (Bacon Carbonara Pie anyone?)
At Pub Reviews we pride ourselves on our diverse palates so Quinlan orders the parma and Sidebottom the burger. The parma was golden. Thick breast, plenty of ham, super tasty sugo and tons of runny cheese. They give you the option of veg and potato too. Very nice of them.
The generous burger was a wonderful combination of salty and smoky. Never had one like it. The chips for both? Faint in the bum.
Lots of ticks.
10 POTS
THE DRINKS
All good here too. Lots of interesting variation on tap. You’d be disappointed at anything else these days really. We tucked in to the Cavalier Pale Ale and the Fixation IPA. There’s a Hemp Ale for the hippy stoner in you. We discussed a Cavalier Thrice Spiced Porter with Toby which sounds like it was once on the menu. That would have been perfect on this cold day. Sounds like a bit of a moving feast which is great as you know the barkeeps are always on point.
Wine list was short and sweet. Combo of familiar producers and not so familiar.
Quinlan orders the Off Road Riesling. Not as rough as it sounded.
9 POTS
COMFORT STATIONS
OK so where’s the loo? Ah, there’s the sign.
We hoped ‘Men’s Loo’ and ‘Courtyard’ weren’t one and the same. Although it was Mad Monday week and there may well have been AFL players out there making sure that the loo and courtyard are one and the same. We went out to take a look. No AFL players there. Thank fuck.
So the loo. It was small. But it’s not a huge pub so that’s fine. Very clean. A retro JD Macdonald is easily the prettiest thing in there. What a fine machine it was. Two tone colour. Bit of rust. The service phone number didn’t have a 9 in front of it so you know it’s seen some shit.
Did it still work? Too fucking right it did.
Next to that was poster with a 5-step guide to washing your hands.
Very informative. You learn something every day.
8 POTS
WANKFACTOR
None. Zero. Theres a strong wankerproof forcefield around this place.
CONCLUSION
You know those freaks you see on late night SBS who have sex with and marry inanimate objects? We are the freak and the inanimate object is the Retreat.
Bordering on the perfect this pub is cosy, friendly, funny, stunningly beautiful but just that little bit grungy. The new owners have only been there a few months but they are onto a winner. The quintessential Melbourne pub experience.
10 POTS OUT OF 10
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