Grosvenor Hotel

10 BRIGHTON RD ST KILDA EAST

The last review we did we went to the intended pub and it was shut. This time Sidebottom went to the wrong pub. Fucking hopeless.

This is why we’ll never be successful.

Anyway, a terse phone call from Quinlan later and we were away. At the Grosvenor.

We chose this pub because frankly it does social media better than anyone. It has this massive following. It surely must be doing something right. Plus it’s close to Sidebottom’s house. Way closer than the wrong pub he went to. Fool.

SO…To the pub at hand. We get there and realise within the first few minutes that we had stumbled across our first Superpub. And we don’t mean in the Village Green-four bars-tab and pokies-buffet with sneezeguard-kids playroom-drive thru bottle-o-bucks and hens welcome-ladies night-seniors night-locals night-carpet that looks like a pokie shit itself kind of Superpub, we mean a pub that does the basics awesomely well, innovates and doesn’t rely on tradies and bogans to survive kind of Superpub.

FIRST IMPRESSION

We liken this pub to a big stuffed echidna. Uninviting from the outside but once you got through the spiky façade you found a lovely heart and a big personality.

We’d driven past this place a lot and never had the urge to go in. It doesn’t have the 1800s double storey character we’ve become accustomed to but more an early 2000s Brighton McMansion beige rendering with terracotta hacienda roof tiles and florally wrought iron.

It’s also the longest fucking pub we’ve ever seen. It must run for 200 metres down Brighton Rd. The rent on this place must be ridiculous.

We wander over to the drive-thru bottle shop first. What the actual fuck? Bottle shop meets deli meets mini supermarket meets bakery meets Brighton meets what the actual fuck. Huge. Some amazing booze in here too. We exit this fancy 7/11 and see another sign – drive-thru burgers. What the actual double fuck?

We walk around and see it. A little drive-thru burger kitchen straight after the bottle-o. It’s called STKBB ad they also have a food truck we’re told. We find out later you need to wait the usual time for the burgers to cook or you can order ahead so you don’t have to get out of your car, you fat fuck.

Anyway, we walk in to the main event. Time to traverse this vastness. We go left and see the empty bistro, a completely empty closed bar and another completely empty, closed dining room. We quickly work out this half of the pub is closed. Then we go right. Front bar, bar dining area, atrium, pizza kitchen going full tilt. This part’s open. It’s damn nice to look at too. Quite new yet tons of character.

8 POTS

GENERAL PUBBERY

So much pubbery. All the pubbery. Superpub in scale. We announced or arrival early on and were promptly introduced to Kirsty, the Marketing and Events Manager. She was ace and showed us around, recommended a few things and gave us the lowdown. The fact this pub even has a full-time Marketing and Events Manager speaks volumes. Superpub. Kirsty tells us the pub was renovated in 2011. Feels like it. An expensive reno by the looks of it. But in that it’s taken the olde worlde pub vibe away. This place probably never had that vibe in the first place so no mind.

The main bar and dining room were in full swing and were comfortable and homely. The folks behind the bar we super friendly and then we saw it – the box of Grosvenor matches on the bar. Little touch but a very welcome one. We’d be alright if this was our local.

One point to note – this is quite literally the pub that has everything. If you head up the guts after you enter, up a narrow little hallway something suddenly smacks you in the face – pokies. A whole room out the back. A bit of Gold Coast out back of Brighton.

Weird? Fucking oath.

7 POTS

THE FOOD

This is an absolute rip snorting cracker of a menu. Great selection of all the pub favourites.

An interesting bunch of starters. Kirsty recommended the Corn Dusted Bourbon-Marinated McClures Pickles. Shit that sounds good. But after the Chad incident of January 2017 (See the Palace review) we opted for the Buffalo Wings. Likey likey. You’d have to be a total spoon to fuck up Buffalo Wings though let’s face it.

A great selection of pizzas which according the Grosvenor insta page look amazing. Didn’t go there. Some share plates – whole suckling pig…This chef gives a shit. We love it.

6 parmas. That’s a winner. All named with a sense of humour. Sidebottom ordered the Nostalgia because he’s a boring twat. Twas very very good though.

6 burgers – all of which I’d order as a death row meal.

Truffled mac’n’cheese – go fuck yourself yes.

Then Quinlan ordered the Scotch Fillet. Will the barkeep recommended medium due to the high level of marbling. Smart Will. Did it hit the heights of the Fitzroy Town Hall? No. Was it more than $60 like the Fitzroy Town Hall? Also no. This was a most excellent steak.

One other mention is the decent kids menu. They’ll eat like proper human beings here – not obese little shits (even though they probably are)

Cooked perfectly. All round wins here. Couldn’t fault it.

10 POTS

THE DRINKS

Much like the food you really can’t fault the booze selection here. A mind-boggling selection of beer on tap. Fermented Praline ale anyone? The full gamut of bottles and tins. Including Boatrocker Stout. The best thing to come out of the bay area since Shane Warne’s ‘Warney themed pub’ which we are still pressuring him to open.

So anyway, want wine? 17 fucking categories on the menu. We’ve heard of a lot of these too. Great drops. Quinlan had a couple of glasses of the Fallen Giants cabernet. Fatter than Ricky May. Rich. Deep. Nice.

10 POTS

WANKFACTOR

We’d say not. While it’s not an honest classic old place like we’re used to it’s a honest newish place. Zero wanks given. Apart from maybe the handwash in the mens. That later.

OUTDOORS

Don’t think so. Apart from the little smoker’s nook out the front. Never mind

COMFORT STATIONS
So we finally get up and head to the small room which is located right in the middle of the place.

It’s small. Is this size legal for a Superpub? Who gives a shit, it was clean and smelled good. We went to wash our hands and we got a bottle of Salus Tuberose & Grapefruit Hydratic Hand Wash. I didn’t know whether to smile or hurl the bottle at the wall. Anyway, when in Brighton(ish).

I washed up and turned around and was greeted by what looked like a mid 90s JD Macdonald. It’s only had about 20 years of wet shitty hands slapping against it. A baby JD. I’m quite certain it’s never broken down and is probably the oldest, most reliable thing in the pub.

All in all, rather fucking pleasant.

9 POTS

OVERALL

Superpub. Plain and simple. This place does it all. From ripping steaks, to the fanciest bottle shop you’ve ever seen, to drive-thru gourmet burgers to shitty pokies. Visit here at least once to see how you can do it all incredibly well.

9 POTS