Fitzroy Town Hall Hotel

166 JOHNSTON ST FITZROY

Let’s make this clear upfront – we weren’t supposed to review this pub. We were going to go to the Napier in Fitzroy because of the back story – Quinlan had his bucks there the day before his wedding (a whole other tale) and the front bar is a shrine to our Fitzroy Footy Club. So this lunchtime Quinlan, Sidebottom and that blow-in ‘Chad’ from the last review, head in from various parts of Melbourne to discover it’s shut. Fucking wonderful. We’re not blaming the Napier. Keeping the doors open during the day doesn’t make sense. The only ‘corporates’ in this neck of the woods who are after a regular weekly pub lunch would be the employees of the Fitzroy Town Hall and they’d all be well sick of it. Plus I know a guy who works there. He makes Ron Swanson look like Daryl Somers when he’s playing the drums.

After a brief panic we wandered up Napier St to Johnston St. The first pub we see is on the corner is the Fitzroy Town Hall Hotel. ‘This’ll do’, we say. So we walk in.

Better look at the menu eh?

Two words (apart from ‘fucken’ and ‘fancy’) – gastro…pub.

Now while we’ve been to some ‘gastropubs’ where we’d rather experience gastro than the actual pub, this menu looks astounding. More on that later. We Google it and see it won 3AW’s Pub of the Year in 2016. We also see Sean Donovan is the man behind it – formerly of Footscray’s legendary Station Hotel. This bloke has serious pub chops. Probably cooked a few too.

Anyway this pub is most definitely not on brand for Pub Reviews. Waaay too refined for us.

We won’t review another gastropub probably ever.

But here we fucken go.

FIRST IMPRESSION

Looked pretty normal from the outside. Inside there was a party of 4 in the little side atrium. Apart from that it was just us. It wasn’t exactly rush hour which took a bit away from the ambience, but this place looks stunning. Highly thought through, styled to a point that a high-end photographer could have walked in and just started snapping. Again, definitely not on brand for a Pub Reviews pub but when you’re in Paris you’re not comparing it to fucking Wangaratta, you’re just appreciating Paris.

We had a little sniff around. Dining room out the back. A front bar that was just front bar enough. And a little side bit called ‘The Lodge’. Two tables with rich leather and a fireplace. All in all, fancy yet unpretentious, cluttered yet spacious. Atrium down the side which was just perfect. So perfect.

We sat down and wondered what the fuck we were doing here.

8 OUT OF 10

GENERAL PUBBERY

So what to do here. Do we compare it to a pub-pub or a gastropub? Let’s do both. Compared to a gastropub there’s no question this is the best we’ve been to. And we’ve been to a few. You really do have to appreciate the work that’s gone into this place. Compared to a pub-pub it’s on the more serious side. There’s no sense of humour here like you get at The Palace in Sth Melbourne, no wagering, no whimsy. We love a bit of whimsy.

What it has is a few cosy sections. The atrium is a beautifully crafted space. Soft natural light and lots of colour. The dining room is more cosy. Again crafted to within an inch of it’s life. If there was a Vogue Pub magazine this joint would make the front cover.

The front bar is a little plainer. Still very well done. And then there’s the little nook called ‘The Lodge’. There’s a function room upstairs which would be great for a high-end do such as a wedding. And that’s about it.

In terms of general pubbery, it’s more general gastropubbery. At it’s finest.

We met two of the staff. They were kind of serious at the start but cracked a smile by the end. With that kind of form they’re probably positively charming to the regulars.

8 GASTROPOTS OUT OF 10

THE FOOD

We had the run of the place so sat on the best table there is – ‘The Lodge’. Cosy, open fire next to us. Lots of empty wine bottles lining the walls (mostly European)

The menu is quite something. An obvious French influence here. French Onion Soup up forward, Toulouse Sausages with Pomme Mousseline up the guts and a Tarte du Jour down back with a Plateau de Fromages on the bench.

There’s a whole swathe of the menu devoted to steak with each one about 30 words long telling you the size, cut, origin, how it was fed, wagyu score and the cow’s name and tax file number.

If you order 48 hours ahead you can get the Chateaubriand en Croute. Which is basically a fillet of beef coated in pate and pastry followed by a heart attack and a permanent place in heaven. Shit. Yes.

There are a few seafood dishes and a list of sides that would put most restaurant main course menu items to shame.

There are also dishes cooked on the ‘Red Gum Wood Fired BBQ’. Cue the drool.

The bar menu has a whole other dimension – steak & kidney pie, calves liver, haggis(!) and a few staples like fish and chips and the Townie Burger. Offally interesting. Haha…OK shut up dickhead.

Oh and there’s a whole braised leg of lamb for $200. As you do.

Seriously good menus. And apart from a few expensive high-end options, not unreasonable value.

So time to order. ‘Chad’ has the chicken pie & mash from the specials menu. Best pie we’ve ever had. Herby, perfect pastry, stunning silky mash. At least it wasn’t Buffalo Wings eh ‘Chad’? Knob.

Sidebottom, who is the least inclined to visit a gastropub, makes the most dirty old pub choice – chicken schitz with an fried egg on top. Super crispy coating with proper chicken. That chicken must have lived on truffles and organic seeds. Jesus it was good.Quinlan ordered the 300g AA&Co Southern Darling Downs (QLD) 150 Day Grain Fed MS3+ Scotch Fillet with Café de Paris Butter. Try eating that three times drunk. Let’s be perfectly clear. This was an expensive steak, but he’s never been so close to crying tears of joy over a meal ever. He actually welled up. If there was a sewing kit handy he would have sewed my arse shut there and then.

We’re not going to compare this feast to gastropubs or even pub-pubs. We’re going to compare it to food in general. It was marvelous.

10 OUT OF 10

THE DRINKS

Ever look at a wine list and feel like a complete fucking moron? Well here’s that list.

The only wine we’d heard of is Shaw & Smith. We’ve lauded other wine lists as being ‘reassuringly unfamiliar’. The one is completely unfamiliar. A Franco-Aussie masterpiece. We got through some pinot gris, a shiraz. All excellent. The thought that’s gone into the rest of the place isn’t going to stop here, no matter how unfamiliar it is. Thumbs up.

The beers were an impressive lot. Sidebottom’s a craft beer snob and he told us there was a good cross-section of styles and brewers. The other two of us just nodded along like we know what he meant.

9 OUT OF 10

WANKFACTOR

Initially we thought there was juuuuust a hint. But not really. It’s just a beautiful space. A better indication would have been when the pub is full. Then we would have sat in the corner and tried to pick the wankers.

8 OUT OF 10

COMFORT STATIONS

Well this is a surprise. We were expecting hipster chic with a touch of cedar ash. We got the restrooms just next to the reception desk at Sea World Nara Resort. Very 80s. Peach with a slight waft of Pine-o-cleen de la urea.

They either ran out of money when they fitted out the rest of the joint of they just thought ‘fuck it.’ On the upside it was clean. And there was a recent model JD Macdonald hand dryer there. Bless that great Aussie company. We even called their 1800 number after lunch just to thank them for all their hard work. We got a message which was only had two options – press 1 for sales and 2 for customer service. Even their phone etiquette is uncomplicated. JD Macdonald is Australia.

7 OUT OF 10

OUTDOORS

Nope.

NONE OUT OF NONE

WHAT’S POT:

The menu

That steak. Good grief.

The attention to detail

Wines we’ve never heard of

WHAT’S NOT:

Possibly could loosen up a little.

Some wines we’ve heard of

OVERALL:

8 GASTROPOTS OUT OF 10